Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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