I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
