There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
