She is in my trunk
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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