My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
