I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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