Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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