so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
