I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
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