Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
