just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
