It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
