Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
