I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize