Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
