the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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