The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
