I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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