ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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