On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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