I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
