Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
