So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
