Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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