I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
