Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
