You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
