My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize