You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
