I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize