the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
