i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
