I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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