You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
pop tarts are not kleenex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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