Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize