Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
