Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
