Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize