My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
