We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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