Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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