I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
