I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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