Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
