just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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