When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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