life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
