I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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