You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
