i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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