my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize