all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Hippo gnu deer
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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