Say something about gay babies.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize