i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
