he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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