And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
