How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
