I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
